[NYTr] Hilarious: Stephen Colbert Does Maureen Dowd's Column Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:33:58 -0500 (CDT) Via NY Transfer News Collective * All the News that Doesn't Fit [For those who don't know, don't have Cable TV, or don't own a TV at all... Stephen Colbert has a show called the Colbert Report (pronounced coll-BEAR re-POUR) on which he portrays a mindlessly ignorant and religious ultra-rightwing yuppie who loves all things Bush with his very own talk show and swooping American Eagle logo, etc. It's an absolutely hysterically funny show, and his interviews with real serious guests (many selling real serious books) are also usually side-splitting. It's on the cable channel Comedy Central. -NY Transfer] The New York Times - Oct 14, 2007 http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html A Mock Columnist, Amok By MAUREEN DOWD I was in my office, writing a column on the injustice of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV. He was sneering that Times columns make good bkindling.b He was ranting that after you throw away the paper, bit takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.b He was observing, approvingly, that bDick Cheneybs fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermannbs skull.b I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was so easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it. He came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had staged a coup dbmoi. I just hope he leaves at some point. Hebs typing and drinking and threatening to bshave Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.b *** I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!) By STEPHEN COLBERT Surprised to see my byline here, arenbt you? I would be too, if I read The New York Times. But I donbt. So Ibll just have to take your word that this was published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written word, and if you disagree :( Ibd like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging me to write her column today. As I type this, shebs watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care of one other bit of business: Bad things are happening in countries you shouldnbt have to think about. Itbs all George Bushbs fault, the vice president is Satan, and God is gay. There. Now Ibve written Frank Richbs column too. So why I am writing Miss Dowdbs column today? Simple. Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all previous elections, is important. And a lot of Americans feel confused about the current crop of presidential candidates. For instance, Hillary Clinton. I canbt remember if Ibm supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think they should nominate her when shebs actually easy to beat, or if Ibm supposed to be scared of her because shebs legitimately scary. Or Rudy Giuliani. I canbt remember if Ibm supposed to support him because hebs the one who can beat Hillary if she gets nominated, or if Ibm supposed to support him because hebs legitimately scary. And Fred Thompson. In my opinion bLaw & Orderb never sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler. Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon. And I donbt mean Al Gore (though hebs a world-class loomer). First of all, I donbt think Nobel Prizes should go to people I was seated next to at the Emmys. Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you donbt need to care about science, literature or peace. While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should also point out that it is not on my head. So wherebs that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at a gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.) Others point to my new bestseller, bI Am America (And So Can You!)b noting that many candidates test the waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama, John Edwards or O. J. Simpson. Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: bAfter Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.b On gender: bThe sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.b On race: bWhile skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.b On the elderly: bThey look like lizards.b Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, bDoesnbt this thing have a reverse gear?b Letbs back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road b or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick. Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americansb nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadnbt yet fled to Guangdong. And I donbt intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash. Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet b even though itbs clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative. What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I am not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an Average Joe like you b if you have a TV show. Copyright 2007 The New York Times Company * ================================================================= NY Transfer News Collective * A Service of Blythe Systems Since 1985 - Information for the Rest of Us Our main website: http://www.blythe.org List Archives: http://blythe-systems.com/pipermail/nytr/ Subscribe: http://blythe-systems.com/mailman/listinfo/nytr =================================================================